[ That's not the voice of the carefree man that Leona's more accustomed to hearing. His voice has a very no-nonsense tone to it. The one that a general in the midst of issuing orders would give.
Considering it's also tied to my emotional state, it's not something that'll go away easily.
[Not unless Leona reaches that point of apathy he's been to before his overblot. Before he feels too intensely with his nerves all raw after being brutally attacked verbally like Lilia like that. He likes to think he's gotten better since then, but well, after a whole night of fighting Phantoms and preventing Idia from reducing the entire world into shadows, his blot levels are high again.
Also, it's not exactly an answer, but one at the same time.]
[ Well that certainly does shut Claude up for a moment. Not because Leona said anything that's really hurtful or a final say on the matter. More because his hand his covering his mouth. A sure sign that Khalid is starting to line pieces up and maybe come up with a plan. ]
So then we need to work on your emotional state.
[ He sighs and rubs the back of his neck. ]
Which would be much easier for you to address if you'd be honest with yourself. Even I know the healing process can't really start until you let go of things that are holding you back.
[Don't call him out here. He already knows that. The problem is actually letting go and possibly confronting everything that's been plaguing him since he was a young cub.
His lips twist a bit. Not quite a frown. But...confused.]
Why do you care?
[And don't say it's because they're friends. This level of concern is new for the lion and coming from Khalid, of all people? It throws him off. It's part of the reason why he's kept his distance from him before.]
[ Why do you care... It's a legitimate question. Because he hasn't involved himself too deeply in anyone's problems. Khalid is a man that likes puzzles. Prying secrets out from someone. He enjoys those things and then eh. Usually leaves it like that. This time? Not so much. ]
To be honest, I'm still figuring that part out. I love finding out other peoples' secrets. Mostly, I like being around interesting people. You are interesting enough to hold my attention, but even I realize I don't completely have an answer to that.
[ And honesty is not something that Khalid offers to just anyone. Of course, when he thinks about it. ]
Part of me can rationalize it by saying that, at one point, I might have become you. My parents and Nader cared about me a lot, but it was always "you're not Almyran enough" from a lot of people. Nothing I could achieve would be able to overpower that perception. What I found in Fodlan were people that just didn't care what my origins were and that changed a lot.
It's easy to think about in that way. The idea that one is never enough for the other parties involved. Except Khalid was able to find that group of people in another country where they didn't care about his origins. About who he was.
Leona can't...quite agree. It was never just about his people's opinions on him. From birth, he's been compared to Falena. His kind, older brother who now rules as acting king of their country. How despite all of the effort he's put into for getting acknowledgment from others, they've always chosen to focus on how he wasn't like Falena instead. How the servants kept a distance from him because of his signature spell, the way he can easily turn their country into a wasteland if King's Roar ever spiraled out of control.
Night Raven College had been his escape the moment Cheka was born. Another physical reminder that he will never get that acknowledgement he secretly, so desperately, craved from his own family. Even his own peers don't take him as seriously and he knows that.
A deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. The black splotches in his gem seems to move, but at least it doesn't increase.]
You were lucky then to have been able to find that kind of support.
[Leona can play off as confident as anyone can. Don't show how words can hurt. Don't show any weakness. It's how he's learned to protect himself over the years against the vicious words he's so used to hearing.]
You're right. I was. If I hadn't met Teach and the others my heart wouldn't have been able to open up at all.
[ He sees the dark spots move around. Even if he hadn't just discovered what that is all about, Khalid can tell that Leona is going through it internally.
So he picks up the pen and carefully takes Leona's hand. Places that pen in it and curls Leona's hand around it. Still between his own. ]
The reality is, I wasn't too different when I went to the officer's academy. I used my light-hearted personality and breezy attitude to keep people at a distance. It was better that way. Easier. So I wouldn't be hurt.
[ Khalid shrugs. Offers a crooked grin. ]
I see you, Leona, and I can't say that I find anything lacking. So I'll be there to help, if and when you finally accept that.
[A slightest bit of twitch when Khalid takes his hand, eyes dropping down to the pen he's now holding. How warm Khalid's hand feels against his. But his eyes are focused on the stone.]
Aren't you still a bit afraid now?
[His paranoia. The way he can smell the poison on Khalid even when the other man moves along with his life.
There's...a certain stillness at his words though.
"I see you."
It causes...a stir in his chest. Almost like an ache in his heart but...not entirely a bad one. It's...warm. Hits that inner child of him that has always cried out to be seen. Khalid can feel the way he stills at that, the slight widening of his eyes and how his ears flick forward in his direction.]
Part of me might always be a little afraid. You saw my Crest activate. Now imagine being a child and receiving a fatal blow from the fifth assassin sent that week. A part of me is always going to place a dagger under my pillow but I've moved on from lethal poisons to paralytics?
[ An uneasy chuckle there. ]
No one's perfect, Leona. That's what makes us dazzlingly human. We are capable of growth and change.
[ Leona still feels pretty tense. Of course Khalid knows that the ears mean that Khalid has Leona's full attention. But the rest of the expression kind of. Hmmm. He doesn't know what to make of it. ]
It just means that we can both work on it a little more.
[That's not...exactly a comforting chuckle. He can hear the uneasiness in his voice. How Khalid, despite his bravado, can still be traumatized by it. It makes him think of Kalim and his fear of being poisoned. How he remembers even drinking a juice himself to show the Al-Asim heir it wasn't poisoned with no regards to himself.
But it's enough for Leona to move his grip on his pen a bit to...squeeze Khalid's hand.
Another deep breath. Feels himself relax.]
Wonder where you get that confidence from to believe in that.
[His words are...lighter. The hardness in his gaze easing up a little, not much like a cornered lion anymore.]
[ Good. It means that Claude can slip one of his hands free to place it on top of Leona's. Kind of like making a silent agreement. Shaking hands without actually performing the full gesture. However, there's no way that the meaning behind it can be missed.
Just like Khalid sees Leona relaxing. To be fair, he had expected the lion to get pissed at him. Chase him out or roar at him. Something. But this? This is progress and it also dislodges something in Khalid's chest. He hadn't realized that he, himself, had been tense and is now relaxing himself. ]
What? That people can change and grow? I might have watched it happen just a little.
[ A wink. ]
If you mean regarding that you and I can both work on it? That might be because I know you do care pretty deeply about people in a general sense. You have your own code.
[The meaning isn't missed. And it settles something inside of the lion.
Really, he was tempted to get mad at Claude. For poking in too deep into his issues. For hitting those nerves when it's still in the process of recovering. But honestly? He's just...tired. He doesn't feel like slipping on the mask, the confidence. Allow himself to be a little more vulnerable even if his instincts are warring against him to push him away.
A click of his tongue against teeth.]
I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
[Stop reading into him.
Leona seems to be indecisive about something before there's a small step forward and he leans his head forward, gently bumping it against Khalid's in...an affectionate gesture? Not quite a thank you, but something...somehow deeper than that. One he's sure Khalid won't really realize what it is since Leona is stepping back just as quick as he stepped forward.
The blot's cleared up a little bit. Not by much, just a small fraction has gone, but it's progress.]
[ Just that one statement has Claude laughing. Not his teasing laugh either. Just one that finds pure amusement in the lion spewing out that line. Enough to bring some tears to the corners of his eyes.
And honestly, it does feel lighter over all in the room. Maybe Khalid had needed it as much as Leona. Who could say?
But he stills when Leona steps forward. Gives Claude's forehead a bump with his own. For some reason, and Claude doesn't know why or what it means, it makes his chest feel tight. A little flutter in his gut and the tips of his ears burn a little. No, Claude might not understand the full impact of the gesture, but he does know that cats like to do this to people. There had always been plenty around the monastery.
But it's gone as soon as it happens and Khalid is finally releasing Leona. ]
[The laughter...is nice to hear. He'll admit it. Almost like a sense of normalcy between them.
Except he's seen Claude's reaction when he gave that head bump. The way those ears turns a bit red. But he won't bring it up. Not right now. And as soon as he's released?
He takes another step back to gain a little more distance between them. Enough room to breathe without being in each other's personal space too much.]
[ Yeah... Khalid thought that Leona might need some space after this conversation anyway. However, its gone a lot better than he had anticipated. Still, some of that respect for personal space is needed. Something between them has definitely shifted and Khalid can't say that he feels like it's a bad thing? ]
[They both need some breathing room after all of that. Leona isn't the type of person to be...touchy, anyway. He's watching Khalid, though. As if waiting for something. Watching for something.
Then he tilts his head to the side.]
...I'll try.
[he's not the best at it, preferring to keep his problems to himself. But. It. Wouldn't hurt to try to put in a little effort here. Just this once.]
[ He rubs the back of his neck. Breathes in and seems to start to get some kind of control over himself. Some of his internal emotions - even the ones that he hasn't exactly confronted. There are a lot of things that he needs to ask himself, starting with why he had been so unsettled.
Why he had felt the need to take things things far. Leona had been right to call him out on it and Claude hadn't a proper answer then. So he still needs to work out the full answer. ]
I guess I can accept that. Trying is all we can ever actually do, right?
[There are a lot of things to unpack here. Leona can see it in Claude’s reactions, the way he seems uneasy though he can’t be entirely sure as to why. It’s evident that the older man is bothered by this. More than he thought he would.
He exhales softly.]
You’re free to stay the night if you want. I have an extra room.
[Whether he accepts or not is up to him. He wouldn’t be offended if Claude refused. He’d understand.]
[ He looks up at Leona when the other man says this. An extra room, huh? Normally Khalid would decline. Staying means putting himself in the territory of another. Being at a disadvantage. Then there's also Azita.
However, Khalid is also oddly tired. A bit emotionally drained and that's a new feeling. A feeling he's not really used to. Mental exhaustion and fatigue? Yeah. Exhaustion from trying to maintain his mask in the middle of a war? Of course. But this ain't any of that. ]
Throw in dinner and I'll think about it a little harder.
You’re in luck then that I just bought enough groceries to make dinner for two. It’ll be a while to cook if you’re willing to wait.
[An ear twitch.
Leona isn’t usually one to offer a room either. Send someone on their way and move on with his life. The only person who’s ever shared his room is the prefect and even then, it’s not willingly. Damn Ruggie.]
You've got your choice between books or a chessboard.
[He doesn't have much in terms of entertainment.]
...Stay out of my kitchen then.
[Don't go breaking his dishes. He actually has to care about that sort of thing instead of just having a certain hyena go out and buy replacements for him. Ugh.]
Well I can't play chess by myself so I guess I'll have to dig through your bookshelves.
[ Don't worry. Khalid promises to stay out of that kitchen. Neither one of them actually want him in there. Funny enough, if he felt like applying himself, he probably would do just fine. Cooking and potion making likely aren't all that different, right? ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ That's not the voice of the carefree man that Leona's more accustomed to hearing. His voice has a very no-nonsense tone to it. The one that a general in the midst of issuing orders would give.
He is very serious about this. ]
no subject
[His ears flicks at that tone. It makes his lips twist into a frown.]
What?
no subject
[ What is it going to take to make these little black spots go away? And why are you still using magic in this state? ]
no subject
[Not unless Leona reaches that point of apathy he's been to before his overblot. Before he feels too intensely with his nerves all raw after being brutally attacked verbally like Lilia like that. He likes to think he's gotten better since then, but well, after a whole night of fighting Phantoms and preventing Idia from reducing the entire world into shadows, his blot levels are high again.
Also, it's not exactly an answer, but one at the same time.]
no subject
So then we need to work on your emotional state.
[ He sighs and rubs the back of his neck. ]
Which would be much easier for you to address if you'd be honest with yourself. Even I know the healing process can't really start until you let go of things that are holding you back.
no subject
His lips twist a bit. Not quite a frown. But...confused.]
Why do you care?
[And don't say it's because they're friends. This level of concern is new for the lion and coming from Khalid, of all people? It throws him off. It's part of the reason why he's kept his distance from him before.]
no subject
To be honest, I'm still figuring that part out. I love finding out other peoples' secrets. Mostly, I like being around interesting people. You are interesting enough to hold my attention, but even I realize I don't completely have an answer to that.
[ And honesty is not something that Khalid offers to just anyone. Of course, when he thinks about it. ]
Part of me can rationalize it by saying that, at one point, I might have become you. My parents and Nader cared about me a lot, but it was always "you're not Almyran enough" from a lot of people. Nothing I could achieve would be able to overpower that perception. What I found in Fodlan were people that just didn't care what my origins were and that changed a lot.
no subject
It's easy to think about in that way. The idea that one is never enough for the other parties involved. Except Khalid was able to find that group of people in another country where they didn't care about his origins. About who he was.
Leona can't...quite agree. It was never just about his people's opinions on him. From birth, he's been compared to Falena. His kind, older brother who now rules as acting king of their country. How despite all of the effort he's put into for getting acknowledgment from others, they've always chosen to focus on how he wasn't like Falena instead. How the servants kept a distance from him because of his signature spell, the way he can easily turn their country into a wasteland if King's Roar ever spiraled out of control.
Night Raven College had been his escape the moment Cheka was born. Another physical reminder that he will never get that acknowledgement he secretly, so desperately, craved from his own family. Even his own peers don't take him as seriously and he knows that.
A deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. The black splotches in his gem seems to move, but at least it doesn't increase.]
You were lucky then to have been able to find that kind of support.
[Leona can play off as confident as anyone can. Don't show how words can hurt. Don't show any weakness. It's how he's learned to protect himself over the years against the vicious words he's so used to hearing.]
no subject
[ He sees the dark spots move around. Even if he hadn't just discovered what that is all about, Khalid can tell that Leona is going through it internally.
So he picks up the pen and carefully takes Leona's hand. Places that pen in it and curls Leona's hand around it. Still between his own. ]
The reality is, I wasn't too different when I went to the officer's academy. I used my light-hearted personality and breezy attitude to keep people at a distance. It was better that way. Easier. So I wouldn't be hurt.
[ Khalid shrugs. Offers a crooked grin. ]
I see you, Leona, and I can't say that I find anything lacking. So I'll be there to help, if and when you finally accept that.
no subject
Aren't you still a bit afraid now?
[His paranoia. The way he can smell the poison on Khalid even when the other man moves along with his life.
There's...a certain stillness at his words though.
"I see you."
It causes...a stir in his chest. Almost like an ache in his heart but...not entirely a bad one. It's...warm. Hits that inner child of him that has always cried out to be seen. Khalid can feel the way he stills at that, the slight widening of his eyes and how his ears flick forward in his direction.]
no subject
[ An uneasy chuckle there. ]
No one's perfect, Leona. That's what makes us dazzlingly human. We are capable of growth and change.
[ Leona still feels pretty tense. Of course Khalid knows that the ears mean that Khalid has Leona's full attention. But the rest of the expression kind of. Hmmm. He doesn't know what to make of it. ]
It just means that we can both work on it a little more.
no subject
But it's enough for Leona to move his grip on his pen a bit to...squeeze Khalid's hand.
Another deep breath. Feels himself relax.]
Wonder where you get that confidence from to believe in that.
[His words are...lighter. The hardness in his gaze easing up a little, not much like a cornered lion anymore.]
no subject
Just like Khalid sees Leona relaxing. To be fair, he had expected the lion to get pissed at him. Chase him out or roar at him. Something. But this? This is progress and it also dislodges something in Khalid's chest. He hadn't realized that he, himself, had been tense and is now relaxing himself. ]
What? That people can change and grow? I might have watched it happen just a little.
[ A wink. ]
If you mean regarding that you and I can both work on it? That might be because I know you do care pretty deeply about people in a general sense. You have your own code.
no subject
Really, he was tempted to get mad at Claude. For poking in too deep into his issues. For hitting those nerves when it's still in the process of recovering. But honestly? He's just...tired. He doesn't feel like slipping on the mask, the confidence. Allow himself to be a little more vulnerable even if his instincts are warring against him to push him away.
A click of his tongue against teeth.]
I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.
[Stop reading into him.
Leona seems to be indecisive about something before there's a small step forward and he leans his head forward, gently bumping it against Khalid's in...an affectionate gesture? Not quite a thank you, but something...somehow deeper than that. One he's sure Khalid won't really realize what it is since Leona is stepping back just as quick as he stepped forward.
The blot's cleared up a little bit. Not by much, just a small fraction has gone, but it's progress.]
no subject
And honestly, it does feel lighter over all in the room. Maybe Khalid had needed it as much as Leona. Who could say?
But he stills when Leona steps forward. Gives Claude's forehead a bump with his own. For some reason, and Claude doesn't know why or what it means, it makes his chest feel tight. A little flutter in his gut and the tips of his ears burn a little. No, Claude might not understand the full impact of the gesture, but he does know that cats like to do this to people. There had always been plenty around the monastery.
But it's gone as soon as it happens and Khalid is finally releasing Leona. ]
Can you promise me something?
no subject
Except he's seen Claude's reaction when he gave that head bump. The way those ears turns a bit red. But he won't bring it up. Not right now. And as soon as he's released?
He takes another step back to gain a little more distance between them. Enough room to breathe without being in each other's personal space too much.]
Promise you what?
[He slides his pen back into his pocket.]
no subject
Just keep me up to date?
no subject
Then he tilts his head to the side.]
...I'll try.
[he's not the best at it, preferring to keep his problems to himself. But. It. Wouldn't hurt to try to put in a little effort here. Just this once.]
no subject
Why he had felt the need to take things things far. Leona had been right to call him out on it and Claude hadn't a proper answer then. So he still needs to work out the full answer. ]
I guess I can accept that. Trying is all we can ever actually do, right?
no subject
[There are a lot of things to unpack here. Leona can see it in Claude’s reactions, the way he seems uneasy though he can’t be entirely sure as to why. It’s evident that the older man is bothered by this. More than he thought he would.
He exhales softly.]
You’re free to stay the night if you want. I have an extra room.
[Whether he accepts or not is up to him. He wouldn’t be offended if Claude refused. He’d understand.]
no subject
However, Khalid is also oddly tired. A bit emotionally drained and that's a new feeling. A feeling he's not really used to. Mental exhaustion and fatigue? Yeah. Exhaustion from trying to maintain his mask in the middle of a war? Of course. But this ain't any of that. ]
Throw in dinner and I'll think about it a little harder.
no subject
[An ear twitch.
Leona isn’t usually one to offer a room either. Send someone on their way and move on with his life. The only person who’s ever shared his room is the prefect and even then, it’s not willingly. Damn Ruggie.]
no subject
[ Which is to say, yes. He can be patient. But man. He cannot cook. So take care of him, Leona. ]
no subject
[He doesn't have much in terms of entertainment.]
...Stay out of my kitchen then.
[Don't go breaking his dishes. He actually has to care about that sort of thing instead of just having a certain hyena go out and buy replacements for him. Ugh.]
no subject
[ Don't worry. Khalid promises to stay out of that kitchen. Neither one of them actually want him in there. Funny enough, if he felt like applying himself, he probably would do just fine. Cooking and potion making likely aren't all that different, right? ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)